Romance for Real Women

            If you’ve read much of this blog, you’ve probably guessed that we don’t celebrate Father’s Day in my house. 

I have two darling children who seldom see their father.  That’s his choice, not ours.  Rather, it’s not theirs.  I would like nothing more than to firmly close the book on what I regard as the sorriest chapter in my life.

I suspect I’m not alone in being deeply ambivalent about my children’s involvement with a father who walked out on them.

On the one hand, I want them to know, really know, in their bones and in their hearts that everyone who has a close connection to them loves them. This is the basic security children deserve and I’ve told them for years that Daddy loved them. 

But Daddy rarely surfaces.  And, when he does, generally, it’s all about him.  He’s got a spare day.  He has an appointment nearby. He’s got a little time to kill.

Long ago, the kids became used to his casual disregard.  But being used to it, doesn’t take away the pain or the yearning.

I am the one who sees their wistful expressions when holidays like Father’s Day come and go without a word from him.

I am the one who copes with the disappointment when Daddy doesn’t acknowledge a birthday or an achievement.

And I am the one who is trying to raise children who understand the precious gift they are so that they in turn will pass on this fundamental sense of self to their own children.  Every child should have bone deep awareness of being special to their parents.  Every single child.

So, Father’s Day came and went in our house.  I know the kids bought something for him although they didn’t discuss it with me.

Their bright, expectant faces changed during the day to hurt and disappointment by bedtime when it was clear he wasn’t going to call.

And, oh, I’m so angry. I’d like nothing better than to sever all ties. I’d enjoy seeing see his name on the phone and not answering it.  I’d take pleasure in ignoring his occasional e-mails.  I’d love to slam the goddamn door in his selfish face. 

But I won’t.  I know that the next time he calls or drops by…whenever that may be…and announces he wants to see the children, I’ll let him.

Depending on who you listen to, divorce rates in the U.S. are between forty and fifty percent. And relationship breakdowns appear to be just as dismal in Europe. Recently, The Institute for Family Planning, a European family policy think tank released a report asserting there is a divorce in Europe every thirty seconds. (Its solution, by the way, is for European couples to have more children, a discussion we can get into another time.)

But, there is no doubt that these are disheartening statistics, especially if you believe in happy endings. I’ve gone through a divorce. My sister, Mary, whom I’ve mentioned has gone through several. They’re not pretty.

Nevertheless, the solution I stumbled early this week, suggested by columnist Lucy Kellaway seems preposterous. In fact, when I first read it, I thought it was farce, lame, but still farce.

Her brainchild is to establish an online date rating agency to collect information from former lovers about former lovers. She suggests “Date Rate” would be a cross between Ebay and Wikipedia. Information would include “fidelity, sexual appetite, generosity, dedication to watching football on television, tendency to leave dirty sock strewn around and so on.” Biographical information would be included.

Can you blame me for thinking this was supposed to be funny?

I naturally don’t expect anyone to take her proposal seriously. But I wouldn’t have anticipated anyone seriously asserting that having more children is an appropriate prescription for divorce so no doubt Lucy has potential bankers lining up to invest, assuming there are any bankers anywhere with any capital.

We are so out in left field here.

Marriage, partnership, dating, friends, children, family. All significant relationships involve some degree of risk.

When evaluating a potential partner, insist on meeting his family. That’ll tell you a lot. Meet his friends. That’ll tell you more. Watch how he reacts to small and large things. That’ll tell you something.

If you’re still not certain about your own judgment, run a D&B on him. Hire a detective. There are plenty of services out there that are more than happy to invade his privacy. Better yet, if you’re unsure about him, just run and save your money.

The last person you want to talk to is a former lover, especially a disgruntled former lover. Yeah, that’s information you can trust.

Dating, marriage, committed relationships…rough stuff and hard work. But no database of biased information from aggrieved ex’s is going to make it any easier or less risky.

In the absence of a worldwide database providing information on your quirks as well as quirks of former lovers to anyone who logs in, I’d suggest using a little commonsense when deciding whether to date someone. Better yet, listen to your heart.

You can view the article at www.ft.com